You mean there is more to wine than the wine that comes in a box and the wine they sell at Wal-Mart?
“The Dude’s Guide to Wine” is a wine primer for the average guy who tends to reach for a beer in all social situations. This four-part series began with three reasons all guys need to know at least the basics about wine.
1) Success: At some point you’ll experience success in life and wine may seem more appropriate.
2) Stupidity: No guy likes to look stupid and life events will eventually lead you to bring wine to a dinner party or having to order wine at a restaurant.
3) Sex: Girls love wine. Guys love girls and sex. Wine can lead to good sex!
If one or all of these reasons are not enough for you, then you are free to leave this blog and go back to the porn you were looking up.
The Sexy Grape
Like a woman, there are several subtleties and intricacies of wine grapes. They can be coy, sweet and seductive like the girl next door in a private school uniform or they can be bold and brash, oozing sex appeal, like the stripper you met…well…nevermind. The trick is to avoid the skanky cheap tawdry whores while learning which ones you can bring to dinner with your mother.
There are over 10,000 documented grape species (varietals) grown in just about every region of the world. Attempting to understand them all is like trying to understand the hidden meaning behind the statement, “do you think she’s pretty?” Most popular grape varietals can trace their roots to France and Italy. The largest wine-producing states in the U.S. are California, Washington, Oregon and New York.
As a dude, we need to keep it simple. We may be able to tell you the important facts, like who was the MVP of Super Bowl III (Joe Namath), but memorizing hundreds of grapes and their characteristics just aint going to happen. Let’s talk about 7 basic grapes, what food they go with and when you may enjoy them. Much more could be said about each grape discussed below. In the interest of basic understanding, I’ll be offering the stereotype of each. While many experts may weigh in on their opinions and insights, The Dude’s Guide to Wine is just trying to keep it simple for the average guy who may confuse maceration with…you know…
RED WINE: The sultry sexy diva that can fulfill your wildest fantasies. If you’re not careful you’ll wake up in the morning recounting the night vis-a-vis The Hangover. Red wine grapes are described as earthy, spices, dark red fruit (cherry, plum currant, strawberry, blackberry, blueberry), smokey, tobacco, leather, and more. We could spend hours undressing the specifics of each.
Cabernet Sauvignon (cab-ur-nay saw-vin-yawn) The king of wine grapes. Pairs best with steak, pasta and dark chocolate. Flavors of spice, dark berry, leather and cocoa. This is your strong-willed woman who likes to show she is in charge. She likes it hot and when you get her going she’ll let down her hair and show you her kinky spicy side.
Pinot Noir (pee-no nwar) – If Cab’s are the king then Pinot’s are the queen. Not queen as in a drag queen but because they are of royal decent and require a lot of attention and effort to put out a good wine. Pinots are very versatile and pair well with beef, poultry, fish, lamb, pork, spicy and creamy sauces. Pinot Noirs are like your high maintenance drama queen who likes diamonds, fancy cars, nice clothes and carry their dogs in their purse. At the end of the date you’ll find your wallet a little thin, but the payoff is ‘hot.’
Merlot (Mare-low) Merlot pairs well with red meat, pork and red pasta dishes. A medium bodied wine that is less bold than its blending partner Cabernet Sauvignon. The unappreciated Merlot is like the girl in those teen movies who starts off unassuming, wearing glasses and has bad hair and acne. With a little make up and hairspray she turns into the movie hottie (Ten Things I Hate About You).
Other Red ladies to date after you’ve explored the ones above: Syrah (the current Elvis of wine), Sangiovese (our Italian lover), and Zinfandel (the sexy hussy)
WHITE WINE: Known by many as refreshing, classy and cool, white wine should be treated like a lady. Be careful, although she is cool and refreshing, she can sneak up on you leaving you dazed and confused.
Chardonnay (Shar-don-ay) Chardonnay pairs well with poultry, pork, seafood and heavy cream butter based sauces. Flavors of buttered apple, pear, tropical fruit and melon leave a long impression on the mouth. Chardonnay will remind you of the cute Miami beach hottie wearing the skimpy brazilian cut bikini. Once you talk to her, you find out she has a personality and a brain! Score!
Pinot Grigio (Pee-no Gree-gee-oh) Italian for Pinot Gris this grape pairs well with acidic foods like red pasta roasted chicken and roasted pork. Refreshing flavors of pair, apple, and lemon prevail. Depending on where they are grown they can have light or medium bodies. Imagine sitting on the deck in the summer with your high school sweetheart. She has a glow from the heat, her top is clingy and her short shorts are tight. This is Pinot Grigio.
Riesling (Rees-ling) This German sweetheart is a diverse lady that can pair well with many foods (including spicy and Asian.) She is a great starter with appetizers and can wrap up the evening with dessert. Depending on where she is grown she can be sweet or dry, light or full. Picture the college professor with her hair in a bun and button down white blouse. She’s got the brains to intrigue you and the character to mystify you. Get her behind closed doors and…well I’ll leave that to your imagination.
Champagne (Sham-pain) Champagne, Sparkling Wine, Brut are known as party animals. These ladies often let loose and get wild. Flavors of baked bread, apple sauce, strawberries, cream and vanilla are often experienced. Food pairings are more than just with dessert or for toasts – try Sparkling wines with Asian food, seafood, poultry, and appetizers.
Every dude should know a little about wine. Wine has romance, imagination, character, and beauty that surpasses other adult beverages. Now that you’ve got a basic knowledge of seven types of wine you can begin the process of exploring the new world. For other fun explanations of wine varieties see my Rock n Roll Wine Pairings Part 1 and Part 2. Thanks for reading, now go grab your girl and a beer!
*Photo Credits SacreBlue.com and Media.PicFor.Me